We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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