Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
