i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
