I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
