TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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