Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
