In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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