imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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