chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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