How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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