Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
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Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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