you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
