Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
