my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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