Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
