dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
