Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
