I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
