she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
