This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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