The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo