I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.