I'm lost and stupid without you.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
