I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
