It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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