Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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