well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Randomize
