saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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