whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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