I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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