Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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