i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
