I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
