White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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