My liver just broke up with me...
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
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Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
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it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
A bitchslap is in order.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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