I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
