Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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