I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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