Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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