pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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