She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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