So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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