You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
