i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
