I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
