I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
