i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize