Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
