at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
