throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
