booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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