just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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