So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
