I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I wish you could order shots online.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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