Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
